moving on..
So i suppose in the last couple of weeks, or months, or years, i somehow came to some conclusions. the most important conclusion would be that regardless of how i live my life, no matter where i am in the world, no matter who i am hanging out with or what i am doing, i will always love kortnee nicole letourneau, and want to be right next to her. regardless of all other influences i want US to be happy no matter what. that is my most important focus in life.
now after coming to that realization i did a few things. first things first, i made a future for myself and my wife to be, I started the process of enlistment to the united states army. this means a lot to me. its a passion i’ve always had but either been reluctant or afraid to truly try. well i put an end to that. i am talking with the recruiter and if all goes to plan i will leave for basic training in january. i’m extremely excited to start this career and grow from the person i am now to the one i always wanted to be.
secondly, i purchased a ring. i used this ring to purpose to my girlfriend. i have never been more sure of any decision in my life. there was no debate on whether or not this should happen, just a matter of how. I asked her on the waterfront at sunset. i was wearing a polo. haha. i could write for years on my feelings about her, but i’ll save that for just between us. but i want the world to know that i am going to marry the love of my life, the person who makes me who i am, the reason i am alive and the reason i want to live better and better, my kortnee, and i couldnt be happier.
now through these realizations i came to a few more supporting realizations. one of the most important ones being i am more or less done with the hardcore music scene, and additionally most of its norms/rules/lifestyles. i guess i’ve grown apart from it. it doesn’t matter as much to me anymore. i will always love music, and passionate agressive music, but as for being apart of a scene i never fit into, was never accepted into and to me is becoming progressively distant and out of touch; i am done. many of the circumstances that people think of when they think “chris ward” involves controversies stemming from this scene, stemming from shit that i’ve either said or done or shit that’s been done to me. now most of you don’t care that much, but i wanted to clarify that that’s not me. if you’ve ever truly known me, and just about no one has, or has and stuck around, you’d know that already. however how your known is eventually who you become until you separate the perception from reality. thats what i’ve realized is necessary. i never fucking cared about sellouts, i never truly cared about getting called a faggot by dr. acula, i didn’t care that hilary bruce got a new boyfriend, i never really cared about dufresne. all of the million shit talks, all the thousand arguments are minuscule in comparison to the true focuses in my life. my happiness, and my fiancée’s happiness. and i finally see that. thats my purpose in life, and its going to stay that way.
now i cant tell what tomorrow holds, i dont know if i’ll drink tomorrow, shoot meth tomorrow, kill someone tomorrow, drink milk tomorrow, or jump off a cliff but i do know that i am going to be dedicating my life to being happy with my wife to be, and that will never falter. thats forever
